Enjoy the Show

Setting: The “Bar Bistro,” an area in which patrons can purchase food and alcohol to enjoy in a just-renovated movie theatre in San Francisco. The decor could be described as “minimalist,” or “pretentious.” Janna and her Moviegoing Companion join the crowd as three harried employees try to serve a bar overflowing with people.

Moviegoing Companion: I’ll have a glass of the Such and Such.
Bar Employee: Um, is that a red wine?
MC: Yes.
BE: Yeah, I don’t think we have any more of that. (Examines stock.) Nope, sorry. We have Wine X Not On Menu or Wine Y Not On Menu left.
MC: I’ll take the Wine X, then.

Bar Employee searches for a corkscrew for several minutes, then gouges a hole in the cork, rendering the bottle undrinkable.

MC: Could I put in an order for a cheese plate while you’re working on that?
BE: You’ll have to ask the waiter if you want food.
Janna: I’ll take care of it.

Janna approaches the waiter, who is taking an order from a group of five clearly tipsy moviegoers. She politely stands aside.

Tipsy Woman: Yeah, I’ll have a Beer X.
Waiter: Um, I’m not sure we have any left. Let me check. (Rushes to the bar, then back.) Ok, yeah, we’ve got a couple.
Tipsy Woman 2: I’ll have the Wine Z.
W: I’ll have to check on that. (Rushes to the bar, then back.) No, we’re out. We have Wine X Not On Menu or Wine Y Not On Menu.
TW 2: Ok, then Wine X.
Tipsy Woman 3: Me too! Two glasses of Wine X.
Tipsy Guy: I’ll have a Beer Y.
W: Let me see what we’ve got. (Rushes to the bar, then back.) We’ve got about half a dozen, so you’re good.
Tipsy Woman 4: I’ll have one, too. Actually, I’ll have two. (Deliberately; slurring her words.) No. I’ll have … five.
W: Yeah. Um, OK.

Janna: (To waiter.) When you have a chance, could I order the cheese plate?
W: Yes, of course. Thank you so much for being so patient, I really appreciate it!
J: No problem. How long do you think it will take?
W: (Confidently.) Four minutes.
J: Fantastic, the movie starts in five.

MC rejoins J, hard-won glass of wine in hand. Several minutes go by. The cheese plate does not arrive. The Tipsy Moviegoers walk by.

Tipsy Woman 4: OMG I swear to God seriously guys, Britney is pregnant. She’s like staying with her little sister in like Louisiana and like I swear to God it’s true. (Stares intently at Tipsy Woman 2.) I mean, seriously. (Stares intently at Janna.) Like, really. It’s true.
J: (Thinks to herself.) Please don’t spill any of your 47 units of alcohol on me.
MC: (Aside, to Janna.) I think this is a place for San Francisco people who are really from LA.

Ten minutes later.

Waiter: (Hands over the cheese plate, which is better described as a “cheese cardboard box.”) Thank you so much for waiting. I’m really, really sorry it took so long.
J and MC: No problem! Thanks!

J and MC dash into the movie, which started fifteen minutes earlier. The lost time equals $2 per person at this theatre, which charges $10.50 plus a mysterious $1.50 “convenience fee” for each ticket.

Narrator: The upside? The employees were friendly and had excellent intentions, and the last five-sixths of the movie were great. However, good service and a film that can be seen elsewhere do not justify high-priced chaos. Get your indie flicks here instead.

Comments (3)

Filed under San Francisco, Theatre of the Absurd

3 Responses So Far
  1. 1

    Safety Neal said,

    December 19, 2007 @ 1:54 pm

    So you have LA immigrants in San Francisco too? How unpleasant.

  2. 2

    alexis said,

    December 29, 2007 @ 12:00 am

    please tell me this is your yelp review.

  3. 3

    janna said,

    December 30, 2007 @ 11:16 am

    Indeed, indeed. The abbreviated version, anyway …

Say your words