The perils of living in Never Never Land:

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… continued (See Part I and Part II)

R + J run into the Amtrak station, numerous heavy bags in tow. They have ten minutes to pick up previously reserved tickets, find their train, and board. R runs toward the electronic ticket booth; J stands in the real-person line. An ominous sign reading “No tickets issued five minutes before departure” is posted everywhere.

R: (Weaving madly through line-directing ribbon and other Amtrak customers.) I got to the front of the electronic ticket line, but I didn’t have the confirmation number! (Pulls out laptop; starts scrolling through email.)
J: Ack! There are a million people at the electronic booths now!
R: This line is moving pretty fast, maybe you’ll get to the front first. Remember this confirmation number: AFGT51644076HY1245.
J: Great! No problem.

R + J advance in their respective lines painfully slowly. Six minutes prior to departure, Janna reaches the front of her real-person line. She triumphantly rattles off the confirmation number, only to find out that she needs both passengers present with photo IDs. She scans the crowd for R, who is 100 yards away. As she pulls out her cell phone, he runs toward her.

R: Let’s go! Now! I got the tickets! The clock changed to 5 minutes before departure exactly one second after I hit “Print.”
J: Thank God, because I didn’t have your ID and that woman and all the other customers were glaring at me …

R + J wind through Union Station, discovering along the way that they are leaving from Track 16. Upon arriving, they it’s unclear how to enter the track.

R: You go that way (Gestures toward what appears to be a formal boarding area, which is completely empty.), and I’ll go this way (Gestures toward more dubious entrance that looks like it’s actually part of the Chicago city rail system.)
J: (Reflecting on the fact that, while Divide and Conquer was an excellent ticket-obtaining strategy, it might result in only one person boarding the train if employed here.) Ummmm. OK.

R + J run in separate directions, with approximately two minutes to spare. R discovers that, upon explaining that he is due on a train literally about to take off, his unorthodox route is easily forgiven. Janna, on the other hand, reaches a boarding area that has been roped off. She stands paralyzed behind a crowd-control ribbon as R waves frantically, gesturing for her to join him on the track.

J: (Thinks to herself.) No. No. NO. I WILL NOT GET STUCK IN CHICAGO. (Looks warily at the Amtrak employee “guarding” the entrance, then breaks through the ribbon and runs toward R.)
Amtrak Employee: (With a look of incredulity.) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?!
J: (Still running.)I’m going to miss my train! It’s right there!
AE: Let me see your ticket!
J: I don’t have it! (Gestures toward R.) He has it! (Continues running, now followed by not one but two Amtrak employees.)

J reaches R and loses her pursuers, silently grateful that this is a train station and not an airport (Homeland Security interrogation? NOT HOT). R + J run down the track, board, and manage to find seats next to each other. The train leaves the station approximately 15 seconds later.

… continued (see Part I)

Act I, Scene II

After collecting several heavy bags from their hotel, R + J carefully evaluate transportation options. Upon learning that there is a bus that will take them directly to the train station, they opt for this method. They climb onto a crowded bus on the 151 line.

R: (As the bus pulls over to the first of many stops.) Yeah, this is a good idea. A taxi would be expensive, and this will take us right there.
J: This is definitely the best option.
R: (As the bus sits idle in bumper-to-bumper holiday traffic.) So. How about that Giordano’s waiter?
J: I’m really glad we had enough plates. It’s really annoying to be at a restaurant thinking, ‘This meal would be perfect, if only we had at least seven more plates.’
R: Big plates.
J: (As the bus pulls over to a stop approximately 100 yards from the last stop.) Yeah, who needs small plates? They’re just a conspiracy on the part of dinnerware manufacturers to get us to buy more stuff.

The bus inches forward. R + J nervously monitor the time. A basic analysis of time spent traveling vs. time allotted leaves them very, very nervous.

R: I’m a little worried.
J: I’m worried too. No. I mean, that’s bad luck. I’m not nervous! Not at all! EverythingisgoingtobefineOKfineOK. Yes. Fine.

The bus continues to alternate between picking up/dropping off large amounts of people and sitting in traffic.

J: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE!?!
R: This is a major shopping district, and it’s 2 days before Christmas.
J: WHY DIDN’T THEY SHOP EARLIER? DON’T THEY PLAN AHEAD?
R: We don’t have any presents, either. We didn’t plan ahead.
J: STOP SAYING THINGS THAT MAKE SENSE.

Time slips away more and rapidly, as R + J become increasingly worried. R alternately monitors Amtrak’s projected departure time and Google’s map of the bus route. Finally, the bus stops at Union Station. R + J dash out and run toward the ticket counter.

To be continued …

Act I, Scene I

Setting: Chicago. R + J are at Giordano’s, a popular local pizza chain. They have almost three hours to eat lunch, gather luggage from a hotel a few blocks away, travel one mile to the Amtrak station, pick up tickets, and get on a train.

Waiter: Are you ready to order?
R: I’ll have personal pizza X.
J: I’ll have pasta Y, and we’ll have Appetizer Z.
W: Soup or salad with the pasta?
J: Salad.

Approximately 47 years pass, while R + J try to remember what people do in restaurants, aside from talk (since, after all, that can be done anywhere). Tap dance? Look up random subjects on iPhones? It certainly can’t involve eating food, though the chosen activity of the customers at other tables challenges this hypothesis. Finally, W places four dinner-sized plates on the table, then returns.

W: Here’s the appetizer. (Makes a rapid exit.)
J: (To R.) Please. Have a large plate.
R: Thanks! I’m so glad we don’t have appetizer-sized plates. They would take up so little room on the table.
J: Yeah, that waiter is really on top of our spatial needs.

Ten minutes pass.

W: (Bearing an entree and a side salad, each complete with its own plate.) Here you go. (Disappears with an almost audible whoosh.)
J: I vaguely remember restaurant etiquette dictating that salad should be presented before all of the entrees are served.
R: I don’t really remember. I lost so many brain cells after that earlier period of starvation that I’m lost on that subject.
J: (A few minutes later.) Hmm, this plastic cup of salad dressing is leaking a bit.
R: You could put it on one of the extraneous dinner plates.
J: Hey, good idea. (Places tiny cup of dressing on enormous dinner plate.)

Ten minutes pass.

J: (To waiter.) Excuse me. How long do you think the pasta will take? We have a train to catch.
W: They’re working on it.

Ten minutes pass.

W: (Presenting the entree, complete with its own plate). Here’s the pasta.
J: Fabulous!

J eats her pasta. R checks the time.

R: It’s 3:20! Our train leaves in 45 minutes!
J: (After a quick mental calculation determining that this may not be enough time to traipse through holiday shoppers, pick up bags, and get through holiday traffic en route to the station, frantically waves to the waiter.)WE NEED OUR CHECK RIGHT NOW PLEEEEASE!!!

R + J pay the bill and dash out of Giordano’s.

To be continued …

• One hike
• Four cities
• Two families
• Two long-lost high school friends
• One very spicy New Mexican restaurant
• Two movies, one mediocre and one quite funny
• Two musicals, one a traditional holiday favorite and one not
• Three instances of traditional pre- and post-Christmas shopping
• One set of holiday cookies, including a bloodshot eye and a Rastafarian candy cane
• Two train trips, one spanning 6 states and one so narrowly missed it merits its own post