Our sister city across the bay has recently seen a crazy number of restaurant robberies. The sequence of events goes something like this: several masked individuals enter the place, pull out guns, and engage in some variation of stealing customers’ wallets, stealing employees’ wallets, and emptying the register. It’s scary as hell, and, much as I love Oakland, has me a teeny bit anxious about the idea of dining there.

What precipitated this phenomenon? My first reaction was to recall the “Pumpkin and Honeybunny” scene from Pulp Fiction. Does it suddenly have some sort of retro appeal? If so, please kill me now because nothing that came out when I was in high school should be considered “retro”.

That observation aside, what else could have caused this? Is it related to the fact that the FBI has moved in to investigate the shady dealings of one of the city’s top executives? Could it be that the economy is teetering on the brink of the r-word? Or I guess it could just be that a crew of loser punks decided that taking money at gunpoint from terrified diners and restaurant staff would be a killer (that’s not a pun, because thankfully no one has died) way to earn a living.

Regardless, these guys are losers. Losers, losers, losers. That’s what we do when we have nothing else to say and life feels scary: we call people names. Names that are childish, but nonetheless fitting. I mean, how mature is it to use violence to solve problems? Not very. Grow up, kiddos. The rest of us are just trying to have a civilized meal.

From the SFGate:

Apparently not much:

Sequence of events:

1. Driver locates prime parking spot, which is metered and therefore approximately 80% larger than his vehicle
2. Driver approaches the spot at a stunningly bad angle, but manages to pull in thanks to the insanely large nature of the space
3. Driver attempts to straighten out by pulling forward
4. Driver completes straightening out maneuver by backing up at a bizarrely high speed
5. Driver slams into the car behind him with a crash audible from at least a block away
6. Driver inexplicably moves forward until he is within one inch of the car in front, and well outside the bounds of his enormous parking space
7. Driver makes a weak karmic gesture by inspecting the bumper of the car behind him. He does not leave a note.

And who doesn’t need a Muppets fix here and there?

Meep meep meep meep meeeeeeep meep meep!