Reception work leaves me with lots of “down time,” during which I mostly opt to research random Topics of Interest. One of today’s Topics was the Microsoft anti-trust suit, which led me to peruse the Department of Justice’s 1999 findings. It was a fascinating read that alternated between maddening and depressing. For example, the conclusion states that:

some innovations that would truly benefit consumers never occur for the sole reason that they do not coincide with Microsoft’s self-interest.

Fortunately, there was some comic relief. The banner at the top of the page reads:

This document is available in three formats: this web page (for web browsing), PDF (comparable to original document formatting), and WordPerfect 5.1.

I do realize that WordPerfect is the word processing application of choice for most law firms. Nonetheless, I found this deeply satisfying.

A San Francisco man died on the afternoon of Tuesday, April 24. I didn’t know him, but according to this article he left a wife and a tight-knit community that described him as “a good guy” and “a very gentle man” when he was struck by a mail truck at age 48.

He must have been some guy to score an entire article instead of just an obituary, right? Well, let’s see what else we can learn from this very interesting read:

if you are looking to muster a lot of sympathy, this is an uphill battle. Skateboard was a reckless, homeless drinker who, after any number of close calls, finally got run over. Frankly, he was probably living on borrowed time. So it goes.

Monty Holmes, known as Skateboard because he was missing both legs and chose that mode of transport, was homeless and an alcoholic. Apparently, the San Francisco Chronicle finds this adequate reason to to paint him as a “street character” who, despite his quirks and annoying characteristics, managed to find friends while living in a rough neighborhood.

I know that certain rules of etiquette are antiquated and should be challenged. However, there are still situations in which one should observe a baseline standard of decorum. Death is one of those instances. Not speaking ill of the dead is a good rule of thumb, especially not publicly and not immediately afterward. Making every effort to comfort loved ones is another – describing the wife of the deceased as having a “nasty scar” is probably indelicate during the mourning period.

A person’s position in life should not rob him of basic human dignity. A homeless man should be granted the same respect in passing as any other person. I don’t think it’s likely that the Chronicle would publish an article noting that a recently deceased businessman was not only philanthropic and influential in his field but also tyrannical to his employees and unfaithful to his wife. That person’s family wouldn’t stand for such a portrait, nor would the general public. Why should a homeless man be treated that way?

I don’t pretend I’m not disturbed when someone lights up a crack pipe in front of me, or stumbles into the corner store to buy yet another overpriced bottle of liquor. My response to this, though, is to be thankful I haven’t been cursed with a substance abuse problem, and grateful for a support system that ensures I will always have a home. Unlike the author of this Chronicle piece, I understand that I am lucky in life, and that not everyone has my good fortune. I am disgusted that, in this theoretically “progressive” city, a man’s life can be publicly torn apart before he’s even laid to rest, simply because he had the misfortune of living on the street.

The lesson in this? It’s not just a homeless person’s life that’s worth less than others’ – it’s his death, too.

I guess this is like enriched Wonder Bread?

The verdict? Tastes like chicken. I mean, like regular Diet Coke. Hooray for horribly unhealthy substances made vaguely healthier! That is, if the “vitamins and minerals” don’t get warped into toxic waste by the other stuff in this glorified battery acid.

Hey, we all have our addictions. Mine is a lot healthier than most others’ in my neighborhood.

From craigslist:

We are looking for enthusiastic, money motivated individuals to have the potential to earn unlimited income.

Upon closer inspection, “unlimited income” comes in the form of:

hourly pay of up to $12 per hour

Apparently,

if you are ready to be successful and make a ton of money

you will need to work approximately 4,000 hours per week to pay off that BMW, as this wage at full time doesn’t get you very far around here. I have a feeling “money motivated individuals” are looking elsewhere.

Photo Credit: traviscrawford

Ohmigod it’s a bomb! No, wait, it’s a harmless but obscene lite-brite! Aaaaahhhhh somebody save us from the terrorists!

If you haven’t heard, Turner Broadcasting is under fire for a guerrilla marketing scheme involving the posting of light boxes around various US cities to advertise a late-night show called “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” Apparently, the boxes were largely ignored in all cities except Boston, which un-promptly (it took several weeks for anyone to notice) called in the bomb squads based on the observation that the boxes:

had a very sinister appearance … [they] had a batter[ies] behind [them], and wires. (source: CNN)

Of course, there are a variety of points of analysis here – stupidity on a number of levels; the concept of disaster preparedness; the nostalgia generated by the concept of a lite-brite. However, what interests me is the media’s reaction to the debacle. CNN chose to report on Sean Stevens and Peter Berdovsky, the two men responsible for actually installing the devices, as opposed to the macro level question of who hired them to do so. The answer, of course, is Turner Broadcasting, CNN’s parent company. Though the article does state that:

the scares sparked criticism of Turner Broadcasting System Inc., the parent company of CNN

in a tiny paragraph within a 1400-word article, it mostly focuses on scapegoating Stevens and Berdovsky, who were charged with creating a panic. On the upside, the judge presiding over the hearing seemed skeptical of their intent to do any harm.

My absolute favorite part of the article is this:

At a news conference after the hearing, Stevens and Berdovsky stepped to the microphones and said they were taking questions only about 1970s hairstyles.

When a reporter accused them of not taking the situation seriously, Stevens responded, “We’re taking it very seriously.” Asked another question about the case, Stevens reiterated they were answering questions only about hair and accused the reporter of not taking him and Berdovsky seriously.

To watch the video of the press conference, click here to go to Alternet.

So there you have it: glowing cartoon characters, corporate greed, corporate solidarity (or self-preservation), and hair. Four crucial elements in American culture.

All quotes from CNN. For other coverage, see the Boston Globe, Alternet, the BBC, and the Washington Post.

Setting: Branch X of Enormous Evil Bank, downtown San Francisco. There are two male tellers and one female teller. Janna is making a deposit at the female teller’s station.

Female Teller: (to Janna) Just swipe your card here …

Guy A: (loudly, to Guy B) So I think I’m gonna go over to [unnamed town across the Bay] this weekend.
Guy B: (equally loudly, in response) Oh, yeah. The girls over there are real slutty.
Guy A: Yeah, seriously. I always head over there when I’m looking for a good time.

Female Teller: (to Janna) Ok, here’s your receipt. Have a great day.
Janna: (in response) Um, yeah. You too. Maybe your day would actually go better if you locked the Misogynist Losers in the vault. Is it airtight?

Merry Christmas! I’d like to encourage all of you to channel your holiday goodwill toward a worthy cause this season. Just ten days before Christmas, 21 workers at the Woodfin Hotel in Emeryville, CA were given two weeks’ notice of termination. The firings follow a protracted struggle for the workers’ rights under a recently passed law ensuring them a living wage, and are a direct act of retaliation.

To find out how you can take action, go to this page on the East Bay Alliance for a Sustainable Economy’s website, or check out the Woodfin Watch. If you’d simply like to make a much-needed donation to the Living Wage Hardship Fund, which directly supports the fired workers, go here.

Please take a minute to click the links. Supporting these workers, who are now faced with finding new jobs and explaining to their children why they won’t be receiving Christmas presents this year, will go far in restoring the balance of human decency in the world. Remember – if all the Whos down in Whoville could get to the Grinch, we can surely take down the Woodfin.