Orangina!

Photo by hexodus

It’s way classier than Diet Coke.

Our sister city across the bay has recently seen a crazy number of restaurant robberies. The sequence of events goes something like this: several masked individuals enter the place, pull out guns, and engage in some variation of stealing customers’ wallets, stealing employees’ wallets, and emptying the register. It’s scary as hell, and, much as I love Oakland, has me a teeny bit anxious about the idea of dining there.

What precipitated this phenomenon? My first reaction was to recall the “Pumpkin and Honeybunny” scene from Pulp Fiction. Does it suddenly have some sort of retro appeal? If so, please kill me now because nothing that came out when I was in high school should be considered “retro”.

That observation aside, what else could have caused this? Is it related to the fact that the FBI has moved in to investigate the shady dealings of one of the city’s top executives? Could it be that the economy is teetering on the brink of the r-word? Or I guess it could just be that a crew of loser punks decided that taking money at gunpoint from terrified diners and restaurant staff would be a killer (that’s not a pun, because thankfully no one has died) way to earn a living.

Regardless, these guys are losers. Losers, losers, losers. That’s what we do when we have nothing else to say and life feels scary: we call people names. Names that are childish, but nonetheless fitting. I mean, how mature is it to use violence to solve problems? Not very. Grow up, kiddos. The rest of us are just trying to have a civilized meal.

From the SFGate:

Apparently not much:

Sequence of events:

1. Driver locates prime parking spot, which is metered and therefore approximately 80% larger than his vehicle
2. Driver approaches the spot at a stunningly bad angle, but manages to pull in thanks to the insanely large nature of the space
3. Driver attempts to straighten out by pulling forward
4. Driver completes straightening out maneuver by backing up at a bizarrely high speed
5. Driver slams into the car behind him with a crash audible from at least a block away
6. Driver inexplicably moves forward until he is within one inch of the car in front, and well outside the bounds of his enormous parking space
7. Driver makes a weak karmic gesture by inspecting the bumper of the car behind him. He does not leave a note.

And who doesn’t need a Muppets fix here and there?

Meep meep meep meep meeeeeeep meep meep!

Dear Logan,

It is with great regret that I must inform you that my golden days of enjoying air travel are waning. With this is mind, I wish to relate to you afterthoughts from a recent experience in your airport.

• If a location exists within the airport that, theoretically, might be a place people would want to go, adequate signage is imperative. For example, if one’s goal is to reach “Terminal B”, it should be easily accessible from “Terminal A”. It is not acceptable to post several teaser signs only to have travelers arrive at a vast expanse of open space devoid of any further direction to “Terminal B”.
• All maps must include a “You Are Here” indicator.
• If “Gate 9b” exists within the elusive “Terminal B”, it is again wise to provide some guidance as to how to reach said location. This is useful in validating that the gate actually exists and is not a figment of the “Departures” screen’s imagination. It is not helpful to gleefully and repeatedly direct travelers toward “Gates 22-36″ and “Gates 37-73″ with no mention of gates 1-21.
• It is paramount that connecting travelers not be subjected to a second security check within the airport. This may result in the following: a) forgetting that one purchased a (greater than 3-ounce) bottle of juice, expecting to hold onto it until one was good and ready to drink it, and b) forgetting that one painstakingly packed toiletries in the required 3-ounce containers within the mandatory Ziploc™ bag, causing one to leave them in one’s bag and subsequently panic that one may be subjected to a Homeland Security interrogation, only to find that the security employees won’t even notice these errant items.
• It might be useful to train security check employees to be more selective about the interpretation of possibly lethal items. It is very, very frustrating to stand in Security Lane 1, which happens to be the only one open, only to hear the constant drone of “Bag check! Bag check on one!” It is also ironic when one’s potentially dangerous shampoo sails through the scanner without comment.
• Do not allow yuppie chains with names like “Curritos: Burritos WIthout Borders” to set up shop.
• Provide recycling bins.

In short, do not cause travelers to wander in circles desperately hoping that a magic trapdoor to “Gate B9b” will open, only to present the fabulous consolation prize of a second trip through security. Also, be more selective regarding dining options, and give people a non-landfill option for the disposal of plastic bottles containing juice rapidly chugged before the unexpected security visit.

Janna
Resigned Traveler

craigslist gems of the week:

• I am a late 20’s professional male looking for a cute girl to live in my 3 bedroom flat in North Beach and cook, clean and massage.
• NO FUCKING DRUGS, no PETS no VEGANS OR SMOKERS welcome please , I am open very easy going
• I’m a recently widowed, liberal, open-minded, bisexual, 33 year young, financially set, female who lives the alternate nudist/exhibitionist lifestyle … the only light duties that you will be required to do in exchange for FREE RENT living here are things like taking out the trash, skimming the pool, sweeping the garage, and driving my deceased husband’s Porsche 911 (which is parked in the garage) to keep the engine and tires in good condition.
• No pets, no republicans
• Rental range from $l,600 to $2,200 per month (suiting particular arrangements and perks) …This situation hosts quiet private accommodation for a guest, attached to a house with gracious (straight) gentlemen present
• You must be environmentally friendly and must NOT be a Bush supporter!
• $750 large room for rent girl only [funny only if you consider the colloquial definition of “rent boy” and imagine a gender swap]